In response to Cody...
I want to start off by say how much I love and appreciate you guys.
Cody, I'll speak for myself. In the way Drew explained the people in res life, I would've have a serious problem with them. It really would'nt have been about them...initially. When I first became a Christian...nevermind...I don't want to go there. Too much pain. Umm, well, when I first met you guys, I remember thinking how much more spiritually mature I was than anyone at Biola because I didn't need a school to know more about God than you guys and my walk is real and yours isn't and on and on. What SoCal did to me was strip me of all that pride (or at least some of it) and all I had left was my pain. I got so tired of performing for others so that they would think I was more than I was. The weight of that was so tremendous. I felt like no one knew me. I was presenting to everyone a conjured up image of "strong spiritual Paul" due to some of the teaching that I sat under. I felt like if I didn't read my bible and pray everyday, I was slipping. My fear of exposure was so huge that I kept this image of bullshit, as if I was disciplined and had my shit together. The basic need that I was lacking was unconditional love. Since I wasn't presenting the real me, how could anyone love the real me? I felt so alone, isolated, full of fear, darkness, heaviness...I came to a slow breaking point where I risked exposure. I started to be honest about my issues and found love, acceptance, freedom. You guys were the ones that were there when this was happening in my life. I didn't feel judged by you. The very thing I was, I strongly dislike. People like Drew described, I have issues with. The freedom more importantly that I have found in Christ to be imperfect has produced a "fuck you" mentality to anyone who would try to judge or "exhort" me beyond where He has me. There are those in my life that God speaks to me through, but then there are those who ae trying to be more than they are and say this that they don't yet have the authority in. I have done enough damage to myself to give a shit about someone who is on their high horse talking out of their asses thinking they have a f'ing clue reality. I haven't found God in religion, but I have found Him in reality. I've had to learn to be the real me with God. That has taken time. But I know what His presence feels like.
I also love Stan. He and I are opposite in a few ways. It appears to me that he judges
9or at one point judged) based on how disciplined one is. My judgement is based on where God has them. There usually lies anillness called "lack of discernment and grace for those who are not like me" syndrome. My love for Stan far outweighs my issue with some of those things I see in him. Those who have been directly wounded by him may have a different opinion for obvious reasons.
I have found unconditional love in all of you and I can vent with all of you and you guys share my pain. That's more than I can say about the Church at large. They fear those they can't control "in the name of Jesus" of course. The Church doesn't know how to judge and still love because so many in the Church have not dealt with their own sin. They hate themselves and if they hate themselves and are in bondage how can they love others and help them out of their bondage. You cannot fake freedom. That is what many in the Church are trying to do, pretend to be further and more mature with zero fruit of the (I am making generalities and jumping to conclusions that are not entirely true...my apologies)
posted by Paul @ 10:11 AM
3 comments
3 Comments:
...Spirit." I forgot a word and wasn't finished. I accidentally hit enter. But I digress.
Damnit I love you my ass.
I'm dizzy. Anyone up for a beer?
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