Recap of my adventure in the Ozarks
So this past weekend, for those of you don’t know, I went out to the mid-west to visit Nate E because the company that he works for was having a weekend meeting/retreat and somehow I scored an invite and got to go play in the Ozarks for a couple of days.
The following is a re-cap of my weekend, which will play out mostly in running diary format.
Before I begin, allow me to issue a preface:
1. Nate E has not been shitting us in his random Yay Midwest! jimmy-shaking posts… The Ozark Mountains are an extremely beautiful and picturesque part of the country. If the natural beauty scale runs from 1-10, and California obviously sets the standard with solid 10’s (Yosemite, Big Sur Coastline, and the San Ramon Valley to name a few), I would say the Ozarks probably rank up there as a solid 8, it would be a little higher if there was some variation, and if I didn’t suspect it was just seasonal, leaf-color changing thing, but my point is, it is pretty amazing.
2. The people I met in the Midwest, specifically within the company, were all very nice people. Friendly, welcoming, genuine. Etc. Good people.
3. I would like to take a moment to issue Special Thanks to (in no particular order): God (for that whole leaf color changing thing), the Boulevard Brewing Co., the Springfield Brewing Co., Jason Lee and the guy who plays his brother on the show, Nate E’s parents for having a few minutes to kill roughly 26 years ago and creating Nate, Nate E for driving over 1,000 miles this weekend just to hang out with me and show me the Midwest (despite being an asshole and reminding me every 15 minutes how much driving he had to do), Southwest Airlines for low fares and free peanuts, Chuck Norris for being Chuck, Sister Hazel, and last but certainly not least, hot german girls drinking beer.
My Weekend in the Ozarks
Thursday evening.
6:00 P.M. (PST): I depart Oakland for Tulsa Oklahoma. Apparently, there are no direct flights from California to Tulsa. If you want to go, you have to fly from Oakland, to Santa Ana, to Phoenix, to Amarillo, to Providence, to Toronto, to Wichita to Tulsa. At least, that is the path I had to take.
11:00 P.M.: I arrive in Tulsa, OK. I had a car reserved. Nate called me earlier in the day and told me to cancel the car, he would be there to pick me up. I cancel the car. I get off the plane. Nate is nowhere to be found. Damn him.
12:00 (midnight): I sit on the curb. Nate finally arrives.
It is after midnight in Tulsa. We have to get up early and start driving to Missouri. So of course we do the only thing that Nate and I would possibly do in this situation: We find an Irish pub and start drinking.
1:44 A.M.: We arrive at Nate’s cousins house where we will spend the night before leaving for Missouri. Nate says we need to be up and out by 8 in the morning.
Friday
10:30 A.M.: I wake up. Nate is still sound asleep, of course wearing his trademark bikini cut briefs which have caused many a Thompson Hall music major to stumble, and are actually illegal in most counties in Oklahoma (If Rest Stops are the bathhouses of the 90’s, Thompson Hall at Biola University is the bathhouse of the 2000’s). It never ceases to amaze me that someone who spends so much time outdoors could be so pastey WHITE.
11:00 A.M. As we are leaving, Nate’s cousin informs me that we are going to be spending a weekend in a cabin in the woods on a lake. I begin to regret the suitcase full of polo shirts, dress shirts, dress pants, dress socks and dress shoes that Nate insisted I would need. I have exactly one pair of jeans I wore for traveling and two t shirts. Nate’s begins to cackle at his latest “prank”, I begin planning his destruction.
1:00 P.M. We eat Mexican food (Nate’s attempt at making me feel more at home) and FINALLY get on the road… not for Missouri, for Arkansas. Apparently we have to go look at Arkansas before arriving in Missouri. And why shouldn’t we? If they can simultaneously outlaw sodomy while legalizing incest, shouldn’t we at least go there so we can tell our grandchildren about it someday?
4:00 P.M. - Arkansas, at least the northern part, is really damn beautiful. Apparently between Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Missouri, state law requires a Sonic, Wendy’s or a Steak n Shake every one hundred yards.
4:30 P.M. – Nate begins to rattle off the list of things he has planned for the weekend: Kayaking, Fishing, Football, Basketball, all while cackling at how I am to participate in the above activities in my Dockers, Rockports and Lacoste shirts. He is a funny little shit, isn’t he?
5:00 P.M.: Somewhere in the greater Fayetville Arkansas area, I see it: a Giant Goodwill store. Not just any Goodwill, a goddam ARKANSAS Goodwill. My brain begin to hurt as I struggled to imagine the treasures I would find in there. I could actually show up to this company weekend dressed appropriately… red plaid, a hat with ear flaps, maybe even a duck call I could wear around my neck. “Nate, you gotta take me there!” I declare. “Hell no!” he said. “Pull the fuck over! Its Goodwill in ARKANSAS!!! DO YOU REALIZE THE POSSIBILITIES HERE!!!!” He stares straight ahead. I promise to spend a minimum of 100 dollars and buy him anything he wants. He gives me an evil smile and keeps driving.
6:00 P.M.- We pull over to take leak. Several cars of elderly people think we are pulled over to look at wildlife, so they pull over to. The only wildlife they see is two young Biola alums, dicks in hand, peeing into a field. I am willing to bet money that the next time those people see a car pulled over, they will just keep driving.
6:30 P.M. Nate and I cross from Arkansas into Missouri, grooving to a Sister Hazel concert on XM radio, and smoking hand rolled cigarettes. I am pretty sure that is the ONLY way one should cross from Arkansas to Missouri.
7:00 P.M We arrive in Branson, MO, which is, to quote nate quoting the simpsons “What Nashville would look like if Ned Flanders was in charge”. After several miles of billboards advertising the main Branson headliner, Yakov Smirnoff, we arrive at our little cabin on the lake, and find that of course we will be sharing the queen bed.
*** bonus material*** The rest of Friday evening was, for the most part, a blur...and can be summed up simply as Dinner, Meeting, My Name is Earl marathon on nate’s laptop, bed.
However, there is one important item to note: For as long as I have known Nate, I haven’t really ever been introduced to his family, with the exception of his little brother, who was at Biola for exactly 48 hours in 1999, yet is on a Campus Safety “watch list” due to an "incident" I may or may not have been a part of. But this was for the first time I have ever laid eyes on one of his sisters. Now I know all about them… but have never actually SEEN them. So I saw one of his two sisters, and much to my great surprise, she is not just a fox, she is a fox and a half. Now this fact completely floored me, because you look at nate, and there is no way I would thought he had hot sisters. Cause lets face it, nate is a dirty guy. For those of you who last saw nate at cody’s wedding, picture him then, but imagine he still hasn’t cut his hair, or shaved, or bathed since then. And you have a pretty accurate picture of Nate’s current state. I mean the guy looks like is planning a trip into Thailand with Larabee for some “tourism” for crying out loud. Now we have already demonstrated on this blog, (archives, september if I recall correctly) that when cleaned up, Nate could pass for a rugged Orlando Bloom, but anyways, all this is just to say, as filthy as Nate happily is, his sister rates a solid 12 on the 1 to 10 babe scale. Unfortunately for you single guys reading this, she is happily married to a man who could probably crush you with just his neck muscles if you even thought about going there. But fortunately, nate has another actually available sister. That is just an FYI. PS- this other sister (no pun intended nate) is on a missions trip with Stan, so maybe we should just go ahead and throw an asterisk on that “available” word… cause lets face it, you can be the smoothest talker in the world with the ladies… but you are still no match for Stan’s chest.
Saturday
8:00 A.M.- Breakfast- discovery of the morning: Nate’s laugh… the “ghastly cackle” as bishop so eloquently puts it… that has been known to break up cat fights in santa ana and give small children nightmares… is hereditary.
9:00 – Noon – Company meeting begins, they talk about what a “great job” Nate has done for the company, I begin to slow-clap, a la “the sarcastically clapping family” from SNL and everyone joins in and nate gets quite an ovation. Everyone else who was clapping was sincere. I was being an asshole. Damn, I love myself.
12:00 P.M.- Nate teaches me how to kayak on Lake Tittycomo. Its actually pretty damn fun. The air is warm and the water is 37 degrees. Luckily, my grace and natural agility keep me from experiencing this firsthand.
2:30 P.M. – So Nate is faced with this choice in the afternoon: Sit in management meetings and crunch numbers and talk market shares and supply and demand curves and economies of scale all afternoon, or use me as his out and go to a Branson bar and get drunk and watch college football. He chooses Option B. Who am I to argue?
Rest of the Afternoon- Sweet Boulevard Wheat brews and gin and tonic…… Since we still have an evening meeting, we just decide to get a good buzz on. And the buzz is good. The Cal Bears decide to take another average team into overtime and lose. Joe Ayoob looks GOOD (to every defensive back in the Pac 10).
6:00- Dinner and evening meeting. There is a shifting of tables and somehow Nate ends up with basically an entire pot of coffee on the front of his pants. This one guy keeps apologizing for moving the table and I laugh hysterically, because I am sure this is somehow Nate’s fault. Did I mention we have a good buzz on? Nate changes his pants.
10:00 – Meetings are over. Nate and I are headed back into Downtown Branson to finish what we started earlier in the day. We end up in sleazy bar. As we walk through the door, country music blaring from the jukebox, we actually have to walk around two VERY ugly girls grinding on one guy on the dance floor while the locals look on in amusement. Nate and I drink upstairs, talk, socialize with the very drunk locals, and generally have a good time. My first drink is sooo strong it is reminiscent of one night in the woods of Port Orchard. The night got later and later, and after I have run out of explicit and sordid tales to tell nate involving late nights in La Mirada Park and the picnic tables… I am a little faded by the way… Nate and I call it a night.
Sunday
8:00 A.M.- Nate, being an ass, asks me to fetch him a cup of coffee. I start to tell him where to stick that cup of coffee, think better of it, and hurry off to get it.
8:15 A.M. – Nate takes his first sip of his coffee, realizes there is a half of shaker of salt in it, and does a picture-perfect spit take while I nearly piss myself laughing. Yes, I am 25.
Morning-Early Afternoon: Sunday was a day of relaxation and recuperation and a little mellow for me because it was my last day of my surreal trip to the Ozarks, and I knew in less then 24 hours I would be back in Danville, and life would go on. This was a bit sad in that I was going to miss Nate, and there were some really good people I had met I would have liked to have spent some time getting to know better.
We went for one last kayak run on the Lake, soaked in the beauty of the Ozarks one last time, Nate tried to throw a water snake at me, which did not make me happy, and then we packed it up and hit the road.
1:30 P.M. – Lunch, Springfield Brewing Co. Holy Shit. Best. Place. Ever.
6:00 P.M. – Nate and I say our goodbyes. I hop a plane.
9:40 P.M. (PST) – I am in Phoenix. I run into the Cal Rugby team… one of college sports lesser publicized dynasties. They have won the National Rugby championship like 18 times out of the last 20 or something re-goddam-diculous like that. They all appear to be Samoan, which is weird, and then I hear them talk, and they are all from Australia. So there you have it, the secret to Cal’s Rugby dynasty: Australian- raised Samoans. I know you were wondering, now you know.
12:30 A.M. – I am in bed and another adventure is in the books.
posted by drew @ 12:24 PM
11 comments
11 Comments:
REBUTTAL FORTHCOMING
it would be sooner but i am so tired from driving 1,700 miles this weekend.
Upon re-reading this post... i am not exactly sure what you are planning to rebut. it seems to me to be 99.5 % accurate.
do you disagree?
I enjoyed every hour of reading that story. I am a slow reader plus that was the longest post in the history of mankind. This weekend, cal/usc! p.s. I am missing matty p's bachelor party for this one.
Too bad. I heard Lance was flying in a couple of Carolina Panther Cheerleaders for the event.
I'll be your stand in the G.
I am flying in Papa Lance for our event.
This enchanting tale reminds of the days growing up in the Ozarks with Nate. I nearly laughed my fool head off. Nate's nasty underwear, the salt shaker in his coffee (brilliant) ... spilled coffee on pants... *wipes tear from eye while laughing* Man, I don't miss the Ozarks at-freaking-all. But now I miss Nate and Clyde the rest of the Elbrecht bunch. And Lake Tittycomo.
This story reminded me of my adventures with Nate E in Poland in high school. Hotel Europaski ring a bell Nate?
justin we dont talk about what happened in poland. ula, kasia, the isreali girls, gup i gupsze or anything else relating to that trip.
REVISION:
1. Drew begged me to pick him up
2. I am not pasty
3. Drew refused to get up at 7am when I tried to wake him up for breakfast
4. Goodwill would not have had any clothes that would have kept him from looking like a complete ass
5. I told Drew for weeks that he should prepare for a cabin on lake TANYCOMO
6. Drew did start a slow clap like the complete ass he is (luckily no one figured it out)
7. Drew was buzzed, by the time i had the coffee in my lap I had completely forgotten about the aforementioned beer.
8. Drew was pretty good at kayaking but it did take nearly 45 minutes of convincing him that he wasn’t going to drown.
9. At Drew's request we went out kayaking Sunday even though that meant I had to drive him to the airport instead of letting him ride with one of the 4 cars headed to Tulsa
10. Drew, in trying to get in good with the mom, launched into a tirade about how I needed to clean up my act (his plans failed)
11. A good time was had by all and plans were made for a spring kayaking. We just need one more person to occupy a third kayak. First come first served.
11. I am jealous about not being there for this next party weekend. I will have to make it up with a rock climbing trip.
nate-
thank you for the list of complete and utter falsehoods. except for #10... that part was true.
Tyler, this post is like 1/8 of your nightly torrey reading so shut up and read.
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