Merry Christmas, Chuck!!!
Things we all should know about Chuck Norris: *******************************************************
1)Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2) Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3) Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
5) If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
6) Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
7) Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Then proceeded to roundhouse kick him in the face.
8) Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have
increased 13,000 percent.
9) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled
martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
10) Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
11) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
12) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
13) Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
14) To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
15) There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
16) There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
17) The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
18) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
19) When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
20) It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is
a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were
very smart.
21) Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
posted by Anonymous @ 3:35 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
There are no words for the respect that I feel having read this, for both he who posted this and of course Chuck the immortal legend.
*Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
*According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
*A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
*When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
*A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
*Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
*Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.
*Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
*Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
*Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
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