He's gonna do one.......
I'll keep this succinct.
Friday:
7:30 PM - I arrive in Oakland International. Within 30 seconds of stepping off the plane I see My All Organic Black Muslim Bakery and feel like I never left the PO.
7:45 PM - After wondering aimlessly around the curb for 10 minutes I see Dru flashing me gang signs to cross the street and join him at his super secret Hispanic parking lot.
8:00 PM - Since Garrett had the best travel plans known to man (more on this later) and wouldn't get in till 11:00 Dru and I decided to hop on board the Baron Davis Magical Mystery Tour and take in a Golden State - New York game.
8:01 PM - Dru parks at the stadium. The fee is extremely reasonable.
8:10 PM - We walk up to our seats. During the trip I am constantly reminded as to how similar the racial construction of Oakland and Port Orchard are. It's like a freakin' carbon copy.
9:00 PM - Halftime comes, at which point the official in house Golden State Warrior Band, STAR, takes center stage. I turn to Dru to point out the ridiculousness of this but he has a look on his face that says "If you say anything I will tell everybody here you are Bill O'Reily's son" so I stay quiet.
9:05 PM - We get some snacks. During the wait in line some rapscallions try to cut in front of Dru, Dru turns, shows them ginormeous biceps No. 1 and 2, and the youth are quelled.
9:15 PM - Nate Robinson enters the game. My heart skips a beat.
9:16 PM - Nate Robinson exits the game. I hate the Knicks.
11:00 PM - We pick up the G. He immediately tells us four There Once Was a Man From Nantucket Jokes. Hilarity ensues.
11:15 PM - Dru notices that both Garret and I showed up at the biggest Cal game of the year wearing the hated Cardinal color of Stanford. After numerous threats of pain the G and I switch to neutral gang colors.
12:15 AM - A trip to the gloriousness that is In N Out Burger. As we sit down we are treated to some interesting interaction amongst the San Ramon youth. Strange competitions for dominance amongst the males and odd siren songs by the females. Dru does not seem to notice.
1:45 AM - Dru pretends to go to bed but then comes back out to "Slumber Party" with me and the G.
1:46 AM - Garrett falls asleep. Thus setting the precedent for the entire weekend.
Saturday:
7:30 AM - We awake as Dru leaves for his meeting at church. The minute the door closes Garrett changes Dru's homepage to an unprintable website.
8:00 AM - The G and I step into the Danville equivalent of Jimmy D's for breakfast and are astonished to find that scrambled eggs run at $15.95. We decide on toast and coffee, pay our 25 dollars and leave.
9:00 AM - Paul arrives. I have a sudden urge to drink which I am only temporarily able to contain.
10:00 AM - As we prepare to leave Dru presents us all with brand new Cal Bear T Shirts. Except for Paul to whom Dru gives a shirt that smells like Gabe Strong's feet.
10:25 AM - We hop aboard the Bear Express to the Stadium. I pee myself with anticipation.
10:30 AM - Paul and I notice that directly in front of us is a head that looks like a ballsack and a gentleman wearing a Cal hat that fit his head like a bikini on a fat girl.
10:45 AM - the Bear "Express" sits still for so long that previously mentioned hat boy has time to run off the bus, take a wiz at a friends house, and return to the bus.
11:00 AM - Not wanting to miss the first half of the game we get off the bus and walk the rest of the way.
11:20 AM - We arrive at Memorial Stadium. It is both clean and recently renovated.
11:30 AM - We sit down. Being serious for a second it has been a long time since I've been to a D-1 College Football game. Everything about the place, players warming up, buzz, bands, everything was special. I got a little emotional just being there.
12:30 PM - Kick Off.
12:35 PM - Paul realizes that we're at a football game.
12:40 PM - Joe Ayoob throws his first pass. Game over.
1:00 PM - I realize for the first time the complete awfulness that is USC. Their fans are the most arrogant, ignorant rich bitches around. Their like Angel fans. Strange coincidence eh?
1:15 PM - Garret pulls off his Bear t-shirt revealing an I Heart Leinhart T.
1:16 - 4:00 PM - USC methodically beats the ever living hell out of Cal. Dru becomes so despondent that for the entire second half he does not stand up, speak or even move. His face is like the guy from Saving Private Ryan. The educated guy who just gets more and more terrified as all his pals die horrible deaths. I was just waiting for Dru to snap and storm the field, attacking John David Booty and screaming for blood.
4:00 - 5:00 PM - We dejectedly make the 35 mile death march from the Stadium to the BART. Not a word is spoken until I give a dramatic reading of the poem on Paul's shirt, G makes a wiseass comment and Dru threatens him with instant death. Silence returns for the rest of our trek.
5:15 PM - We stop by Dru's to change. Dru discovers his new homepage. Hilarious cackles of delight from three of us.
5:30 PM - We arrive Pete's Brass Rail and Car Wash (which has neither a Brass Rail nor a Car Wash), sit down and gratefully begin drinking. Garrett, eagerly eyeing the impressive micro-brew list for which Pete's is best known, enthusiastically orders a Labatt Blue.
5:45 PM - Garrett and I realize that the Huskies are winning. This prompts loud whooping, banging on the bar and a rousing rendition of "Bow Down to Washington" which breathes new life into the dejected group of Cal supporters we are drinking with.
6:00 PM - Dru offers me a taste of his Damnation beer. He does not get it back.
6:45 PM - Garret orders his second Labatt. Upon finishing he makes a bathroom run that almost results in puking, pronounces himself "donezo" and returns to the apartment. Paul, who this whole time has been eagerly ordering Dru and I beers, pushes for a trip to a bar. We agree with much trepidation in our hearts. Both of us aware of Paul's single purpose in life which is to get his friends unbelievably drunk.
7:00 PM - After Dru grudgingly agrees to a Boddington's at the famous Crown bar, Paul orders us both a shot of Patrone. Much wailing and nashing of teeth results.
7:05 PM - After numerous name calling sessions and yes, references to female genitalia, Dru shoots the Patrone. For approximately 15 seconds he look like a Looney Toons Cartoon Character who just had an anvil dropped on his foot. His eyes bug out of his head and he desperately sucks on a lime. Paul hasn't felt anything yet and I am not feeling good but, remembering Elbrecht's exhortation to "hang out with my wang out" I unzip and hit the shot and the Boddington's.
7:20 PM - Dru, cursing our names, returns to his apartment.
7:30 - approximately 9:30 PM - What exactly happened during this time my brain can not properly corroberate. Suffice to say that Paul promised he wouldn't let me get sick and proceeded to buy me 3 more shots of Patrone, an Irish Car Bomb and a Margerita. Each drink was followed by Paul petting me and saying, "My Bish, I fucking love you right now." This proves, truely, that Paul is the best of friends.
App. 9:30 PM - While sitting at the bar by myself as Paul was chasing some "tail" I realized that I was about the throw up all over the bar. So, being the responsible parton that I am, I exited the bar and threw up right outside it. Then, through the grace of God, I managed to walk my way back to Dru's apartment. From there, even though I'm sure he's lying, we must take Dru's word for what proceeded. Needless to say I don't remember much with the exception of Dru finding me my phone, getting me some water and a trash can, and Garrett having a ridiculously inappropriate conversation with his fiancee.
Sometime that night - Paul comes home, none of us heard him, and none of us know what happened to him, not even Paul.
6:30 AM - We wake up. Garrett, having all day to relax naturally booked himself an 8 O'clock flight. Since my flight leaves at 11:15 I get to spend four hours at Oakland Airport. Fortunately I'm feeling robust and energetic thanks to my early evening and sound nights sleep.
6:45 AM - We depart. With Paul driving. It was exactly what you think that drive would be like.
7:15 AM - The G and I part ways. I stagger around the Airport for awhile before collapsing on the floor and catching a couple hours of sleep.
11:15 AM - I depart. Weary, beaten and staggered, but with a tale on my heart. We had lived through another weekend. It was the best weekend of our lives where literally nothing went as we'd hoped. I love football!!!! And twins!!!!!!
posted by Nate B @ 1:33 PM
8 comments
8 Comments:
I had to stop reading this at LEAST 7 times because i exploded in nearly uncontrollable laughter.
You captured it perfectly.
Thank you for not printing the words that came out of my mouth when I double clicked on my internet explorer and was immediately whisked away to horsecock . com
Kick 'em when they're up,
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em all around
Give us dirty laundry
Of the four, i am thinking garrett's "laundry" is the dirtiest... specifically his dress shirt, which is just a tad to long.
G, is that shaving gel?
My Bish, I'm still outta breath. That was beautiful. By the way Drew, if that's what your clean laundry smells like...the shot of Patron was just to get even at the gagging I had been doing all day because of that I-do-my-laundry-inside-a-cows-ass t-shirt of yours.
hey, you wanted a blue shirt. i told you it had been under my bed since 2003.
you insisted.
it still didnt smell at bad as my tooth brush that was sitting on the sink before and during the explosion from bishop. yeah and turns out the tooth brush is close to my nose when it is being used.
as was my toothbrush, which i started to brush with on sunday morning, but noticed bishop's dried vomit chunks miliseconds before it entered my mouth. it immediately found a new home in my trash can.
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