Worst Movie Ever
Two weeks ago I decided what the hell I’ll go ahead and toss two hours of my life away. That’s right I went to see V for Vendetta or as I now affectionately refer to it V for SUCK MY ASS. How can you put two knife fight scenes in a movie and expect it to be carried by its action (there is no way anyone assumed the dialogue would carry this movie).
Half way through the movie I was horrified to find out that Natalie Portman in fact cannot act. And now feel it important to institute a one-bald-movie-minimum for every up and coming hottie (yes that includes you Heath Ledger) that way I never fork over seven dollars again for wavy brown hair.
What about the political message? Didn’t you find that disturbing? Well in fact I probably would have found the message disturbing if I could have quit laughing throughout the whole movie (despite the occasional elbowing to my rib cage). Have you ever seen those funnels that you can put a coin in and the coin spins round and round finally making its way to the bottom of the funnel and finally landing at the bottom on a stack of coins with a satisfying little plink? The movies that the Wachowski brothers have made seem to follow this Children’s Miracle Network pattern. Matrix 1, fun fun fun, I love watching this coin spin in long arcs. Matrix 2 the momentum is fading. Matrix 3 the coin is there in the bottom of the funnel and barely holding on. V for SUCK MY ASS…..plink.
Now sense I couldn’t suspend my disbelief at all in the movie due to how poor the dialogue was I though I would make a few observations. First what is the deal with the monologue? In V’s 121 word monologue 50 of the words start with V. Well good for him he’s picked a theme and decided to write himself a monologue in order to introduce himself. I just picture V sitting in his lair thinking “now you know I could just kick the bad guys asses and then topple the British government but how should I introduce myself...” So V decides to take a few days off from his fine art collecting and subway track laying to pull out his dictionary and thesaurus. A few days later he’s got himself a perfectly respectable introductory monologue. The highlight of his monologue “However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.” Good for you V. Also congratulations on thinking up a great logo before commandeering British television.
Leaving V alone for a minute I just wonder why the ministers of Brittan never asked themselves if they may have let power get to their head. I’m fine with the leader of a country operating out of a secure location but it’s a little much to ask your subordinates to communicate with you via Jumbotron. Let this just be a warning to you, if some day you show up for work and your boss has decided that all future communications will mean you sitting in front of a 30 foot screen and talking to his 30 foot head, well you might just be working for someone who wants to kill gay people and Muslims.
Now are we really supposed to believe that just before V gets ready to topple the British government he goes out and purchases 30,000 dominoes (he probably got a good deal on them after purchasing 200,000 masks) in order to set them up in his lair? Hey I’ve got a good idea. I’m about ready to topple a government how about I set up 30,000 dominoes in the design of my logo. That way I can topple the dominoes as a foreshadowing to actually toppling the government. Get it? Okay I realize there is foreshadowing but no, V is not setting up dominoes in his lair. Maybe the Wachowski brothers could have put in a dream sequence or had V (or better yet the Jumbotron prime minister) unknowingly bump into things and the camera could have watched them topple in slow motion.
Of course I couldn’t help but laugh at the numerous clichés in the movie. V plays the courageous government toppling revolutionary and yet heads home to a lair filled with Diana Krall’s sultry jazz and the banned fine art. How about Natalie Portman’s gay friend who kept the Koran in his secret room so that he could “appreciate its beauty and poetry?” Let’s just not tell her friend that a lot of people who appreciate the beauty and poetry of the Koran don’t have a whole lot of tolerance for his particular orientation.
What takes the cake is V’s statement when Natalie Portman is getting ready to leave, “you know off all the times I’ve heard this song I’ve never danced to it.” At this point in the movie the tears were flowing freely as I couldn’t stop laughing. I wanted to say “maybe you could have danced once or twice if you hadn’t spent all your time rebuilding a subway on your own.”
Best Non-Intentionally Funny Movie Award goes to… V for SUCK MY ASS
posted by Nate @ 9:16 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
I love E for Excellence in review skills and Especially for Eloquence Elbrecht...an Example to Evervyone Everywhere.
So, what you're saying is that you paid money to see a Wachowski Brothers movie and you were disappointed that it was over the top and unrealistic?
Isn't that kind of like going to see the Dukes of Hazzard and writing a post on how real cops wouldn't act like Roscoe, and how a mechanic named "Cooter" wouldn't last for 10 minutes in the South?
What did you expect when you paid $10 for your ticket? I guess that it's your right to complain that a psychotic bomber revolting against a totalitarian regime might have some personality disorders like a penchant for dominoes and alliteration.
I've got an idea, why don't you go and rent a copy of Fahrenheit 911 and blog about how it's too liberal for you.
Natalie
PS. I went to Harvard
welcome home drew
p.s. the movie wasn't over the top. it was far far below the top.
also i enjoyed fahrenheit 911 and the audio books stupid white men and give me my country back.
bitch
NOW i'm home.
bitch.
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