Lexus SUV my ass....
So Cody and Tara got hitched, and Cody finally begins to live up to his fantasy baseball team name. (This is just an assumption, and has not been verified with an actual conversation with Cody). I would like to take this time to reflect on the hilights of the weekend, through my running diary.
Thursday 9/1/05
8:00 A.M: I arrive at work and immediately log into Yahoo Fantasy Baseball, bubbs, and AIM
11:15: I log out of the above, change my pants, and leave for Camarillo.
12:15: Upon leaving my beloved 680 for the 101, I am bombarded with solamente mariachi musica, and immediately regret lending my Velvet Underground cd to Jodie.
1:30: I pay 70 dollars to fill up my truck with gas.
5:30: I arrive in Camarillo, and run into the Pelsers at the gas station. I meet their newborn child , who I seem to hit if off with quite well. I immediately begin planning its abduction.
6:00: Rehearsal begins. Bored to tears. My ADHD begins to get the better of me. To close to the baptismal. MUST...NOT... SPLASH... damn. Pelser clucks in dissaproval. He is married and responsible. We will see how responsible he feels when I am driving North with his son.
6:23: I knock glass candle holder off ledge. Only my catlike reflexes honed by a childhood coming up in the streets of D-town save me.
6:35: Pelser wonders aloud if Garrett and I should be placed right next to each other.
7:15: Still bored. Mind wanders. MUST... NOT...CHECK OUT BRIDESMAIDS. I check out the bridesmaids. Not to shabby.
7:23: I check out Tara's mom. Immediately forget about the bridesmaids.
8:15: Everyone leaves for the rehearsal dinner. Nate, Nate and I end up at Albertsons. 100 dollars or so worth of beer is purchased. Nate B. pays for none of it.
8:30: Mexican food, and me trying to smuggle 4 cases of beer into the house and into the refrigerator.
9:00: Crazy Mexican lady comes out of nowhere and provides "entertainment". I would rather take 200 airsoft shots to the balls then sit through this "entertainment".
9:03: I squeeze onto the couch. My leg touches Mandy Bishop's. I have never touched her before. Immediate jolt of electricity shoots through my body. I see from the look on her face, that I am not the only one.
9:30: Paul and Garrett arive. Bridesmaids perk up at the sight of good looking guys.
10:05: Most people leave. Cody's mom isnt at all worried.
10:31: Paul and I, mistaken for the hired help, carry 27 bags of trash to the curb.
11:15: Cody is dressed as Milk Boy. He looks fantastic in the crotch region. I would need to stuff with every tube sock i own to achieve the same effect.
11:30: Cody raises the bar for every groomsmen gift ever to be given again.
11:45: We leave for some nightclubs, Stan knows exactly where we are going.
11:57: I get in Jose's 4Runner. He asks if I like Christian rap. I get a very bad feeling.
11:58: Jose cranks up "The Gospel Gangtaz" and we have a "holy ghost party" in his 4Runner.
End Thursday.
Friday, 8/2/05
12:15 A.M: We get lost on the way to nightclub.
12:21: We end up in a TGI Fridays. After 2.3 beers, I am on the lookout for any "Cal Lu Motherfuckers" whose asses I may have to beat.
12:30: We end up in The Borderline Country and Western Bar. Paul gets us in for free, Cody is spotlighted on the dance floor, and immediately begins to thrust his crotch out for all to see.
12:31: Cody does not consume anything alchoholic.
12:32: We have a run in with our first "cal lu motherfucker" and I immediately get a quick stretch in and prepare to choke him out.
12:33: Jose steps in and difuses the situation with Crusades 4 Spiritual Laws, utterly confusing the guy until he just kind of walks away.
12:48: We return to the house.
12:49: We begin to play Poker.
1:35: Cody does not get drunk.
1:42: I almost lose a hand at Poker, but then I dont.
2:30: 50 dollars richer, I prepare to go to bed with a completely sober Cody.
8:00: I wake up briefly, open my eyes, and see Paul straddling me. I assume there is a good explanation and fall back asleep.
9:30: Wake up, go to store, buy various medications to deal with a certain "condition".
11:00: Go to Mens Warehouse. Try on Tux. Stan loses a hubcap.
12:15: In N Out.
1:00: Get dressed. Certain hydration occurs.
1:30: Cody passes out letters he wrote to the Groomsmen. I read mine and start to tear up a little. Then I realize that I am not a "gay", wipe my eyes, and go sock Sheldon in the stomach to prove it.
2:00: Leave for pictures.
2:15: Bishop decides I need to hook up with a certain bridesmaid. Tells me she drives a Lexus SUV.
3:30: Still havent appeared in a single picture.
4:05: Leave for park. Almost get in a picture.
4:25: Lady has a great idea to go get water for everyone. Paul and I are sent to get the water.
4:45: Return with water, Mandy gazes at me with greatful admiration.
4:46: Lady compliments herself on the great idea to go get the water.
5:10: Return to the church and pray for Cody. Stan was very concise and to the point.
5:30: Begin to seat the guests.
6:00: Wedding begins.
6:01: Cody bawls like a little girl. Tara smiles, and whispers in his ear: "Suck it up you weenus!"
6:05: Garrett busts ass for the first time. I almost pass out from extreme nausea. Garrett will continue to emit toxic fumes every 5 minutes until the end of the wedding.
6:36: Maid of Honor adjusts the train of Tara's dress, returns to her position.
6:36: Stan corrects her adjustment, and a catastrophe is narrowly avoided.
7:00: Wedding ends, Thank God I can finally escape Garrets ass.
7:05: I walk my bridesmaide down the aisle, while she struggles to resist my natural charm.
8:00: Reception begins.
8:01: Nate E discovers a bottle of jack daniels in the limo. Immediately chugs said bottle.
8:10: Stan toasts. Includes the phrase, "One thing about Cody is he has a HUUUUUGE....(pause) collection of dvd's." I am unable to contain my laughter for the rest of the 12 minute monologue.
8:30: Food.
8:32: Nate E begins to confess his love for a girl at the reception. He doesnt know her name.
8:40: Nate dances multiple times with the girl. her boyfriend is none to pleased.
8:50: I discover Sheldon by the fountain of chocolate where he has spent the better part of an hour.
8:55: Dancing
9:03: Garrett freaks on Tara's mom. I watch, burning with envy.
9:07: I have to piss, as does Garrett. For some reason, we decide to share a bathroom stall. It seemed like a good idea at the time. As we emerged, a line of people waiting to use the toilet look at us a little queerly.
9:10- on blah blah blah
11:00: Cody and Tara depart for a lifetime of happiness B-deep in H G.
1:15: I tuck Nate E into bed. He has been in and out of consicousness for several hours now.
And another wedding is in the books.
posted by drew @ 10:15 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
dammit jared why dont you check your email?
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